


I Quit! - a Phantom of the Opera parody

by MadameAngel



Category: Phantom of the Opera (2004), Phantom of the Opera - Lloyd Webber
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-30
Updated: 2012-08-30
Packaged: 2017-11-13 04:23:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/499436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameAngel/pseuds/MadameAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I have no excuses for this.  I wrote it when I was 14 and was obsessed with Phantom and those Jerry the Frog Productions Hand Puppet Theatre things on LiveJournal.</p><p>Originally published on fanfiction.net 2005</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Quit! - a Phantom of the Opera parody

**Auctioneer:**  lot 666 blah blah big mystery blah blah phantom blah blah blah

 **Chandelier** : WOOSH

 **Opera House:**  TRANSFORMED

 **Raoul** : I'm gay! I mean, erm, immensely beautiful with my swooshy hair SWOOSH

 **Carlotta** : Worship me!

 **Managers** : Looky! Hot ballet girls!

 **Madame Giry:**  No touchy!

 **Carlotta:**  I'm sick of managers who love ballet girls, I quit!

 **Managers:**  BLINK BLINK Now what?

 **Madame Giry:**  Christine can sing it.

 **Christine:**  SINGS

 **Audience:**  Ooooh, aaaaahh…

 **Raoul:**  I wonder if Christine will still love me if I'm gay…

 **Christine** : No, Raoul, I love the Angel of Music now.

 **Raoul:**  Oh, well let's go on a date anyway.

 **Christine:**  Sorry, I have to go get kidnapped by the Phantom of the Opera.

 **Organs:**  DUUUUUUUUUNNNN! Dun dun dun dun duuuuuuuuunnn!

 **Phantom:**  I will now hypnotize you with my gorgeousness so you don't see the ugliness of the path.

 **Christine:**  HYPNOTIZED

 **Phantom:**  Now I get to seduce you. Mwa ha ha ha ha!

 **Christine:**  SWOON

 **Phantom** : They always faint, dang it.

 **Meg** : What is this odd ugly place behind the mirror?

 **Rats** : Don't mind us, we're just trying to eat your toes.

 **Meg** : No matter, I have to go make an appointment with my plastic surgeon anyway.

 **Christine** : Where am I? More importantly, where are my STOCKINGS!

 **Phantom** : I'm innocent, I'm innocent, I'm innocent…

 **Christine** : Let's see if the other half of your face is equally as beautiful. YOINK

 **Phantom** : Noooo! My hideous-sunburn-healing mask! Christine, you suck.

 **Christine** : Uh… it's not that bad.

 **Phantom** : Whatever, I'm taking you home now.

 **Firmin** : Here, I have a note!

 **Andre** : Me too!

 **Raoul** : Me too!

 **Carlotta** : Me too!

 **Madame**   **Giry** : Hey, that's my line. Anyway, Christine's back.

 **Carlotta** : I hate Christine cuz Raoul loves her more than me. I quit again.

 **Andre** : No, we love you!

 **Firmin** : Yep!

 **Raoul** : WTF is going on?

 **Firmin** : Christine's gonna play the loser. Carlotta rules.

 **Raoul** : 'kay.

 **Countess** : I lurve you, Serafimo!

 **Mute**   **Serafimo** : …..

 **Raoul** : GIGGLE I love box five!

 **Phantom** : Vicompte, you suck!

 **Christine** : GULP

 **Buquet** : DIE

 **Masses** : AFRAID

 **Christine** : Run away!

 **Raoul** : Christine, I love you!

 **Christine** : I love you, too, Raoul.

 **Raoul** : Let's get married.

 **Christine** : I thought you were gay…

 **Raoul** : What? SHIFTY EYES nooo….

 **Christine** : Okay. SMOOCHY

 **Phantom** : SOB You will CURSE the day you did not doooooooooooo all that the Phantom asked of yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuu!

 **Masses** : Par-TAY!

 **Managers** : Ballet girls are sexy.

 **Madame**   **Giry** : Yes I'm wearing Oriental attire, you gotta problem wif dat?

 **Meg** : Excuse my over large boobs, my plastic surgeon was on pot.

 **Batman**   **&**   **Furby** : AVERT EYES

 **Christine** : Raoul, we're secretly engaged, okay?

 **Raoul** : Okay. Why?

 **Christine** : Cuz, duh!

 **Masses** : DANCE

 **Phantom** : Yo.

 **Carlotta** : You're hot. I mean, uh, I hate you!

 **Phantom** : And I care? Piangi, you're fat.

 **Piangi** : SHOCKED

 **Phantom** : And you suck, managers.

 **Managers** : We do?

 **Raoul** : He's hot, wow.

 **Christine** : STARES IN AWE

 **Phantom** : You can't marry Raoul, he's gay. YOINK

 **Christine** : POUTAGE

 **Phantom** : Now I must dissapear into this hole in the floor.

 **Raoul** : No, I want your bod, come back!

 **Madame**   **Giry** : Sorry, fop, he's mine. Let's go.

 **Raoul** : So who is this hot freak show, anyway?

 **Madame**   **Giry** : A hot freak show.

 **Raoul** : Oh. Huh…

 **Madame**   **Giry** : I met him when I was little and I thought he was sexy so I smuggled him into the opera house.

 **Raoul** : He is sexy, so that was a good idea.

 **Christine** : For some reason I have a sudden urge to visit my father's grave.

 **Phantom** : I'll drive you.

 **Raoul** : I wanted to drive her!

 **Christine** : I miss you, Phantom—I mean, Daddy.

 **Phantom** : I love you.

 **Christine** : I love you, too.

 **Raoul** : I was going to drive her!

 **Phantom** : What are you doing here, fop? STABBITY

 **Raoul** : I was going to drive Christine to the cemetery! SLASHCLANGSTABBIBYSTAB

 **Christine** : Don't kill my love!

 **Raoul** : Fine, let's go. He's to hot to die anyway.

 **Phantom** : You both suck.

 **Raoul** : This is the part of the show where we capture the Phantom

 **Managers** : CLUELESS

 **Raoul** : Just play along.

 **Managers** : Shweet.

 **Chorus** : Now the old man will seduce the young girl.

 **Piangi** : I'm the old man? Go me!

 **Phantom** : Not anymore. PUNJABS

 **Christine** : I'm only acting excited, I promise!

 **Phantom:** Now I get to seduce you again. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!

 **Christine** : We are SO past the point of no return!

 **Phantom** : Yeah, baby!

 **Christine** : I never did find out if the other side of your face is just as beautiful. YOINK

 **Phantom** : That's my cue to take you home with me.

 **Raoul** : Noooooo!

 **Phantom** : My life sucks, everybody hates me.

 **Christine** : …..

 **Phantom** : Will you marry me?

 **Raoul** : No, I was going to marry him!

 **Christine** : WTF?

 **Raoul** : Christine, I guess I'm not just gay, I'm extremely gay.

 **Phantom** : Nooo, I always attract the extremely gay ones! Do I look extremely gay to you?

 **Christine** : I'm not gay! SMOOCHY

 **Phantom** : Ew, you're both horrible kissers! Get away!

 **Christine** : You kissed Raoul?

 **Phantom** : Uh, yeah.

 **Christine** ; WHEN?

 **Phantom** : It doesn't matter! I said go away!

 **Christine** : Fine. Raoul, let's get out of here.

 **Phantom** : Time once more for the disappearing-behind-the-mirror trick!

 **Meg** : Dang it, the hot Phantom guy is gone. SNIFFLE


End file.
